Starting fresh. 11 pounds down from original goal.

It's no secret to me that once I get out of a routine, all of my healthy habits speed rapidly down hill.  You may notice that my last post, back in April, was titled 20 pounds down.  Well, here it is, September, and I'm needing to start new again with 11 pounds down from my original goal (which means I've gained back 9 pounds between April and September).  I've done worse :-)  But I also say that knocking on wood because there is time for me to keep heading down hill......

Since April we have packed and moved out of Dubuque, lived temporarily with in-laws, moved into our new home, started a new job, and have gotten the kids started in a new school with all new activities.  People ask sometimes, "How do you do it all?" and the answer is simply, "I don't."  When things start swirling around me I start to cut back on my own health and put my own goals on the back burner.  For some, healthy eating and exercise are easy to plan, but not for me.  When life goes crazy I turn to T.V. and Little Caesar's for refuge.  And chips.  And pop.  And candy.  Especially Laffy Taffy.  That stuff is awesome.  

So last night when I was searching my closet for clothes for an upcoming wedding and realizing how many of my clothes are just too snug right now, I decided that enough was enough (again).  When I start "fresh" I like to start something that is slightly new because that usually gives me motivation and helps me devote some attention to the task at hand.  Having a family history of heart issues and high blood pressure I decided to check out diets that focused on lowering sodium.  I researched the DASH diet a little bit and decided to see what it would be like to not only pay attention to calories, but to lower sodium content as well.  Info on the DASH diet here.

It took me TWO hours to go grocery shopping today because of how closely I was looking over nutrition labels.  Holy cow, I can't believe how much sodium must've been in my diet before.  It was so difficult to find replacements for my "convenience" foods that were lower in sodium content.  And I'm not even talking about a low-sodium diet as much as I am a diet in the "upper limit" of what the Institute of medicine's daily limit recommendation is---which is 2,300 mg, and for most adults they recommend limiting it to 1,500 mgs a day.  I think the biggest sodium-offenders in my diet are the frozen meals I eat for lunch, lunch meat and cheese, and convenient family dinner meals (anything really boxed or bagged where you only add meat).   Info on Sodium limits here.

So, I'm doing what I should really be doing, which is concentrating on eating lean proteins like poultry, low-fat dairy, fruits, veggies, and whole grain bread/pasta.  

All of this fits well with the tracking app My Fitness Pal that I have on my phone.  

I'm also cutting out pop (again) but not caffeine this time.  I need me some tea or coffee or both when I teach four classes.  I do think pop is pretty awful for me (even, maybe especially, the diet kind) but I also love it's fizzy wonderful goodness. :-)  

So, here we go again :-)  

20 pounds down!! :-)

Weight loss is a curious journey.  Or perhaps confusing, curious, frustrating, and exciting all wrapped in one strange and conflicted emotion.  We tell ourselves messages all of the time---and sometimes these messages conflict with each other and muddy up your intentions, some of these messages might include:

• I'm losing weight and I feel great! vs. I'm losing weight but I'm still not where I want to be.
• My clothes are fitting!!  vs.  Not all of my clothes fit yet.
• I'm tracking my calories, finding healthy recipes, and exercising vs.  I'm obsessed with losing weight. 

For the most part I can remain positive, hopeful, even excited about my progress...but there tends to be a sneaky whisper telling me that I'm still not good enough, pretty enough, healthy enough, smart enough....I am my own worst enemy (insert music from Pink here in the background).  

But the scale hasn't been fibbing, I have been working hard.  I'm 20 pounds down and that's really pretty darn awesome.  I'm well on my way now to meeting my goal and it feels like it's "doable".  

These confusing messages though....those need to be figured out and resolved.  Those messages could probably spiral me back into some unhealthy habits if I don't consider them with caution and really figure out the root.  Do I not value myself enough?  Is there something about my self-worth that is damaged?  

John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy but I have come so they may have life, and have it to the full."  I think here I am my own thief.  The way that I view my body, no matter the size, is not what was intended for me.  I will continue to lose weight because I do need to be healthy---but I need to keep my focus on health and not on this idea that weight loss itself will make me a more worthy individual.  I can live life to its fullness now---I don't need to wait for the permission of my scale or my "skinny" jeans.  I think it's time to lean into God's love and begin to see me as He does.

20 lbs down!  

13 pounds down!

Today I had an official weigh-in the wellness center and found that I lost 13 pounds so far!  I was really, really pumped and proud of myself.  I haven't blogged since I started with the wellness center because I really felt like I wanted to figure a few things out before I spoke much about it---especially since I hadn't been doing all that great since I started this blog.  Here's what I've figured out so far.....
1.  80% isn't good enough.  When I was doing this on my own I thought that sticking to everything at about 80% would give me results.  If I ate healthy 80% of the time, tried to track, exercised when I could....that I would have results.  An honest conversation with a friend got me really looking harder at my efforts and thinking that as much as I wanted to believe I was doing my best....that it wasn't my best and it certainly wasn't good enough.  After getting some blood work done and finding out that other than a slowing metabolism with my age, I got the news that there was no reason that I would be experiencing weight gain.  This was a good wake up call.  If I was going to be doing this---I needed to be "all-in".
2.  Being "all-in" is a lot of work. I can tell just by the amount of focus that I've put in this so far that I wasn't trying my hardest before.  I'm now exercising 5 days a week and tracking every meal every day in my food log.  I've found that I  do paper-pencil food logging to be much more convenient for me (which is funny since I love social media, I thought My Fitness Pal would be better for me originally).  My nurse practitioner at the wellness center then combs through my log and gives me encouragement and nutrition advise.
3.  Giving up pop and coffee wasn't the end of the world.  I whined and whined over the caffeine headaches I got for the first 3 or 4 days, but after that I was all good.  I've had about 2 glasses of diet soda since as a "treat" (I figured this to be healthier than ice cream).  But I really don't miss it.  I have some decaffeinated chai tea that is pretty tasty and helped me get through a brief but nasty cold.
4.  Having a partner do this with me makes a huge difference.  Michael joined me in my efforts as well and he has lost 10 pounds.  It makes a difference because we are both shopping for healthy foods, we are trying to cook together a couple of times a week (more as a something fun to try together than anything else), and there have been several days where one of us doesn't feel like exercising but the other offered enough encouragement to make it happen.  We've been doing exercise DVDs in our living room which is both comical and probably a good model for kids.  As a consequence, our whole family has been eating better and being more active.

I feel like I'm in a really good spot right now with all of this.  My clothes are fitting better, I'm feeling stronger and more confident, the effects on my family are also great.  The wellness center told me to expect my weight loss to slow down now that my body will be getting used to these healthy changes and I'm going to try not to let any slow-down lead me back into failure.  I've learned that every little choice really does matter.

Update: 3 lbs down 62 to go

I haven't blogged in awhile.  I figured this might happen when the spring semester started.

I've only lost 3 lbs since I've last blogged.  That's nothing to brag about, but I am glad that did lose some and definitely glad I didn't gain anything.

I'm re-starting my goal to see how many days in a row I can exercise.  After I started that last time I somehow hurt my neck putting me out of physical activity for almost 2 weeks.  I have a really hard time establishing routines again once I've hit a barrier.

I finally went to the clinic to get a physical.  It's been awhile. The past two years I've been to the doctor a million times for my back that I pretty much felt if I went to the doctor for anything else I'd have to consider these appointments my full time job.  I found out that I am anemic (again) and I'm waiting for some more tests to come back.  They are testing my thyroid for a number of reasons, but it will be interesting to see if that has had anything to do with my weight issues.  We'll see, if not I think I have to just come to the understanding that now that I'm 35 (which doesn't seem that old to me) I have to live with a slowing metabolism.  It used to be much easier for me to drop lbs.  Not anymore---I often don't see much of a difference between the weeks that I do great with tracking in My Fitness Pal and exercising and the weeks where I don't really do much at all,  which really impacts my motivation.  I know that there are so many more reasons to be healthy than the number on the scale, but it's hard to remember that day to day.

The nurse practitioner also mentioned to me the idea of being on a medically managed weight loss plan.  I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it.  While it would be awesome to have an expert in nutrition help me out---it does scare me to put $$ into something that just might fail again.  However, the consequences of poor health are much more costly---and the cost is more than monetary.

So that's the current update---nothing fantastic to report (I know that 3 lbs since the last time I wrote is good, but that's still only 3 lbs down since the start of this blog, it just feels more frustrating than celebratory...)

This image below that I found on google images (seems to be from Spark people) captures how I'm feeling right now.  I like the idea that all of these things are hard (for different reasons)......

THIS IS SO TOUGH!! 0 lbs lost 65 pounds to go. Again. Really.

So, this post is going to seem very negative, but hang in there with me because I do have something positive to say as well.

First, this is SO tough.  I've lost significant weight twice in my life---at the end of college I lost about 60ish lbs (regained through 4 pregnancies) and then I lost 60ish pounds again after I had Aubri (regained through three back surgeries and grad school).  Both of those times, while it took a lot of sweat and discipline, it didn't seem as frustrating as it does now.  I don't know if it's because I have so many physical limits compared to then because of my fusion or if it's because I'm getting "older", or what, but it's frustrating.  

After much conversation with my husband though I've come to the conclusion that I need to just keep going. As frustrating as it is, I simply can't give up.  I am going to make a few different modifications this time to see how it goes.  

Both times I've lost significant weight I've "kick started" my first 20 lbs by using Slim Fast twice a day and then phased into portion-control/calorie-control meals to lose the remaining 40.  I'm going to give that a shot again.  I'm not enthused about this idea---I love food, and lately I've enjoyed cooking---but I think if I could (hopefully) experience some success at the beginning perhaps it'll work out.  

I'm still going to "front load" my calories (breakfast as the biggest meal)----overall I really do like that, I just need to be more disciplined overall.  

I wish that I could report out some awesome success, but I can't.  It's not for a lack of trying---but perhaps it's for a lack of not trying hard enough.  I think I need to get more mentally tough about exercise.  I did do my zumba workout today and loved it.  But working out 1 time a week isn't going isn't going to get me in shape.  

So!  I do have a new challenge for myself---the # of consecutive days that I workout--either at home or at the Y.  I have an all or nothing personality which isn't going to change over night so I'm going to use it to my advantage and see what I can do.  So even if the scale doesn't change, I have another challenge I can be successful with.

Finally--the weirdest thing of all, especially since I haven't been consistent with exercise....

I've noticed some of my clothes (shirts in particular) fitting better so I couldn't understand why no change on the scale, so I measured myself and compared it to measurements I took back at the beginning of October.  I have lost 1/2 inch in my arms and a few inches in my waist--none in my hips (The proportion doesn't surprise me because my body loves to be pear shaped).  So--a word of encouragement to anybody who is working on this as well---be sure to measure yourself from time to time because I don't think the scale # always tells the most accurate story.  

I like to browse through the Pinterest boards for fitness motivation, and I ran across this image--I like it because it's what I struggle with most right now:

Image from Pinterest

I don't know how I'm doing (numerically that is).....

So, scale #2 is now broken (I'm beginning to have a complex...).  When I stand on it it won't settle on a number and goes up and down in about a 7 lb range.  Sort of like the Biggest Loser scale before the "big reveal" yet I never get the "reveal".

Normally, I would freak out.  I would probably drag the scale all around the house (is the problem that the floor is not level in that particular spot---this is an old house and I know there are parts where it feels like the floor is not all that level).  Or, I would rush out to Wal-Mart in search for a new scale.

But, I didn't.  I struggle so much with the way that # makes me feel.  I hate that it can tell me how  I should feel about myself.

So, instead of worrying about a number loss/gain/maintain to report on my weekly blog this week I decided to give a qualitative summary:

• I did a pretty good job, most days.  Not every choice was the top choice, but overall---I did fine.  In fact, if I followed myself around all week---which, I did----I would say, "Hey that girl must eat pretty healthy".  
• I ate at one of my "pitfall" places for lunch twice this week---the Loras College "Cafe".  All I can eat for $5.  I chose great options both days and didn't "go back" for anything except more Diet Dew.  
• I still haven't put exercise  into my routine.  I didn't want to go out Monday and Tuesday because of the cold and the remainder of the week I was busy dealing with an issue at work.  

Eventually, and maybe soon I need to figure out what's going on with my scale and resolve the problem.  But I might not do that for a couple of more weeks.  

Overall, I'm surprised with how tough this seems to be.  It's seems to be way harder  than the weight I dropped after I had Aubri.  Not the eating/willpower part--I'm actually do really great.  But the seeing the results part.  I don't think it's coming off as easily.   

End of Week 3---3 lbs down 62 lbs to go.....

So, this week was pretty "successful".  I lost 3 lbs --- the two lbs that I had gained over Christmas and one bonus pound.  Getting me back on on track in the losing game.  I felt encouraged by several followers last week after my "fail" week so I just want to say, thanks!!!  It's so nice to have encouraging friends.

After being upset with myself with how Christmas went I started feverishly exploring all kinds of diets.  After talking myself out of fad diets like the "Cabbage Soup" diet I found a strategy that seemed to make a little bit of sense to me.  The strategy is to basically reverse the order of your calorie intake.  The philosophy is pretty simple---if you think about the purpose of food and calories, it's to provide energy for your body to do what it needs to get done.  Most of us (at least where I'm from in the Midwest) eat the majority of the calories at dinner time--but what do we prepare to do after dinner?  Me, I prepare to watch T.V., maybe do some work on my computer, and go to bed.  I don't need a lot of calories to accomplish this.

So, this past week I experimented with flipping my calories so that my biggest meal was breakfast, a medium meal at lunch, and a small meal (approx 200-300 calories) for dinner.  Here's what I found:

• At first it was difficult for me to eat such a big breakfast because I wasn't used to it.  Prior to today I would typically eat a container of greek yogurt for breakfast every morning.  I stuck with the greek yogurt but added in other items, examples include adding chia seeds, granola, blueberries to the yogurt, eating bananas, healthy omelettes, healthy egg-white breakfast burritos, etc.  
• I've found that when I get to lunch I still felt pretty fulfilled and it's almost difficult for me to eat a "medium" caloric lunch.  
• I was not starving by the time I got to dinner.  Prior to this week I come to dinner STARVING, whether or not I'm on a "diet".  I get a blood sugar drop and a hoarding feeling around 5 p.m. where I want to eat everything in sight....and then eat dinner.  That didn't happen to me this week.  My favorite low-cal meal was a large spring mix salad with avocado, lime juice, cilantro, and 3 Tbs of salsa.  
• The downfall is not always eating what the family is eating because unfortunately we are still a family of convenience foods---a habit that I hope this process will help me change.  But, if the family eats frozen pizza for dinner then I eat a salad because the pizza isn't the nutrient dense enough (Yes--I totally see and understand the hypocrisy--if it's not nutrient dense enough for me, then how can it be nutrient dense for my kids?! I'm working on it. I can't get all of the kids to like salad so I'm experimenting with different healthy and convenient dinners---for example, they love spaghetti squash and it would be pretty easy to roast some on a Saturday and put dinner-size portions in the freezer.  The kids also love baked chicken---another easy "make ahead" or even crockpot food.  I've been searching through Pinterest for ideas.  Please!  Message me or post for me any of your favorite healthy meals that your whole family loves!

I also worked out twice this week.  Which isn't a lot.  But when you go from 0 to 2 that's a pretty good jump in progress, I'd say ;-)  I have plans to increase that # (Taking the kids to swim at the Y today!) and I also ordered Zumba Gold that came in the mail this week.  That's right, don't re-read that.  Zumba Gold--which is Zumba for the 55+ crowd.  BUT, if you have a spine that is probably around the age 70, it works :-)  I'm looking forward to trying it out.  Hopefully when I am about a year post-fusion I can do the regular zumba with no problems.  Until then, I'm cool with Zumba Gold, Sweatin' to the Oldies, and of course doing what I can at our Y's gym and pool.  

Hoping for another loss next week and not a gain.  Otherwise I'm renaming my blog to "My wonderful Yo-Yo diet".  Well, don't hold me to that.  

No picture this week.  I don't feel like combing my hair yet.  :-)