Fa la la la la la la la la......Fail.

End of Week 2......

I'm not at home so I can't weigh myself (there is a scale here at my parent's house, but the nerd in me wants to weigh myself every week, at the same time, wearing the same thing, using the same scale).

However, it's easy to tell that I've gained weight this week---I just didn't implement the plans that I said I would.  And by that I mean I pretty much did the opposite of what I meant to do.

To throw fuel on the fire I tried on some clothes in Kohl's the day after Christmas.  Seeing myself at all angles....destroyed me.  I felt so horrible about myself which sort of spiraled me into really hating what I've done to make my body this way.  Which made my eating worse (I know that doesn't seem to make any logical sense).

But then I started to think about the times that I have done best with healthy choices---those are the times that I felt good about myself---not bad.  I've never successfully guilted myself into eating right.  But I have successfully viewed myself as strong and smart---and viewing myself with those characteristics have motivated me to keep truckin'.  In sum, if I'm going to successfully work on myself, I need to actually like myself.  

If I'm going to be successful moving forward I may need to block out those images of myself in the dressing room and start defining myself by every victory and positive characteristic.   For instance---choosing and orange over a cookie.  I'm a person who makes healthy choice.  Or if I work out at the Y---I have a body that is able to move and sweat.  These types of intentional affirmations may be incredibly important in order for me to have a successful start in all of this.

In the words of the beloved '90s SNL character Stewart Smally, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone-it, people like me."

End of Week 1....2 pounds down

I weighed in this morning and found that I lost 2 pounds.   Two pounds doesn't seem all that significant, especially in our Biggest Loser culture, but a trick I learned from Weight Watchers was to find some way to visualize what those pounds actually are....what else weighs that amount.  I searched through my kitchen and found that these added up to 2 lbs:

So, when I held these in my hands this morning to visualize what 2 lbs actually was---I felt more successful.

As far as sticking to a plan I really only did an adequate job.  I tracked in My Fitness Pal for a couple of days and then when the deadlines of the semester ending felt overwhelming I ended up abandoning my tracking plans. Even when I didn't track I did try to make healthy choices---and I probably did that 80% of the time.  That other 20% consisted of taco pizza and Michael's famous puppy chow.  Mmmmmmm.  Puppy chow.
I'm hoping that with my break from teaching I'll be able to make tracking a habit.  The same goes for exercise.  I couldn't muster up the willpower to start a new ritual the week with all of the grading I had to get done.  So, like every good chubby American, I'll probably start my exercise routine after the Holidays.

Now on to week 2.  I'm nervous because most of the time we will spend traveling and visiting family.  These family events are actually not all that bad, it's me who is the problem.  Every time I travel my brain decides it's on a break from all things responsible (except parenting) which includes healthy habits.  My brain decides, "Wooohoo!  Calories don't count if you are more than 30 miles from home!".

"Failure to plan is planning to fail".---Wise Person

So, my plan will be to track in My Fitness Pal while traveling, really consider portion sizes instead of a "this food looks so good I don't know when I'll have good food again so I must eat it all now" approach.  I will also bring a water bottle with me and pack some sort of protein-type bar in my luggage (I've found that not having a protein-packed breakfast is a guaranteed route for me to fail, at least this has been good habit of mine for a few years now).  I am also going to wear my pedometer--if I'm not going to hit the gym until after the New Year, I can at least try to get as many steps in a day as I can.

End of week 1.  2 pounds down, 63 to go...

Let's give this a shot.....65 pounds to go

For the last couple of weeks I've been debating whether or not I should start a weight loss blog.  My weight is something that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember.  I often change my mind on how I'm feeling about my appearance and my frame of mind on healthy living. In fact, just the other day I spotted my curves in a window reflection and decided that I like how I look, only to despise my body only two hours later.  It's hard to write about something when you're in the midst of frustrated confusion about the topic.  But I'm going to write anyway.  The fact that I may fail at this is the most daunting...and that this failure is so....public. I also have reservations about starting this blog because the way I go about weight loss is surely not the way others would do it and so I'm opening myself up to comments and messages about what the "right" way is and how I'm most likely doing it "wrong".  Not that I don't welcome encouragement and wisdom, but sometimes the most well meaning statements can discourage a person who is trying their hardest.

Here are the questions that I've struggled with over the past few weeks: 

Why focus on weight loss and not simply being healthy?  

Because for me, losing weight is what would be healthy.  I've had three back surgeries, one being a spinal fusion in the past two years.  And while it's true that I was at an ideal weight when all of that began, it doesn't change the fact that this extra weight that I've put on since my original injury could prove to be detrimental to the success of my back health.  I've been doing some reading and I was so amazed by the link between obesity and the rate of degeneration (I have degenerative disc disease).  If I can significantly slow down the rate of degeneration in my back, that alone would be worth all of the sacrifice and disciple of a weight loss plan.  

What's the plan?

I wish I could say that the plan is easy and simple.  But it's not.  I plan on tracking my diet through My Fitness Pal to count calories, nutrition, and exercise. While I will be aiming for a low-calorie diet, I am going to aim for those calories to be nutrient-dense.  My focus will be on fruits, veggies, and lean proteins.  A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Celiac Disease which sparked my interest in gluten-free diets.  I was amazed with how much gluten impacts the overall health of our bodies, including joint health.   While I won't be going on a gluten-free diet I think that I will make special effort to minimize the amount of gluten in my diet.  I also need to add exercise to my daily routine.  I started off several weeks ago with getting exercise but that routine was quickly interrupted when Michael had to be in Chicago for a week.  It's time to figure out my exercise routine again.  I have a pass to our Y, the warm pool is such great exercise for my back, so I just need to getterdone.  

What's my goal?

My goal is to lose 65 pounds.  That number feels so far away, but I'll try to set some mini-goals in the meantime.  Or at least be sure to celebrate each pound lost along the way.  

How much will I blog?

My goal will be to blog at least once a week.  I'm only going to weigh myself on Saturday mornings (I usually weigh myself every day) and then I'll blog about the week.  However, I know that topics will pop up, especially at the beginning, so I'll probably blog on more than just my progress.  

Why blog at all?

I think that I need the accountability.  Even in no one reads the blog, the fact that it's out there, it's public and I've said that I'm going to do this all make me more accountable to my goal.  I also think it will be a way for me to look back at my progress.  I wrote a blog for my spinal fusion recovery and found that going back to read about the challenges and progress that I've made was incredibly encouraging.  I hope that this blog will end up being an encouraging motivator to keep on keepin' on (and hopefully not a reminder of how I've failed.....).  

I'll try to upload a picture each week....here's week 0!

This is my Saturday uniform.  It's not pretty :-)

Tune in next week to see how week 1 ended up......